Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
