And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
