in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
