there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
