so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
