Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
