Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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