My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
