he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
