I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize