I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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