i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
