I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
