Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
