Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
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