did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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