That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
