I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
