Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
