I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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