my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
