Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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