i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
