omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize