bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So much rum. So many feels.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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