i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
