the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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