well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
