I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
