I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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