I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
