i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
