Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
