I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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