its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
