I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Drake has all the answers
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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