i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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