Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
