Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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