Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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