She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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