He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
