i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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