You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
