dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
