I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
