what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
