just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He did a backflip because drugs
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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