the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
