I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
should my penis look like a turkey
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
