Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize