You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
