I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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