He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
