Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
