I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
