She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
