wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
