Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
