You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Success! We fucked roommates!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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