You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
